Saturday, September 29, 2012

Around and Around and Around and...



So I really don't need to say anything super specific about Looper. It's just plain awesome. Go see it and be amazed. But don't expect some high-brow time travel theorizing and endless scenes of technobabble or even super significant or complex emotional character arcs. It's simple on an emotional level, but its got such good actors inhabiting such over-done archetypes that they feel unique and original instead of retreads of cliches. The story is rather complicated in terms of how its time travel works, but all of its concepts are revealed and explained in such a wonderful mixture of dialogue, voice over, and visual action that it becomes surprisingly easy and, most importantly, fun to follow.

This movie could have been bogged down in some silly convoluted plot with some extra big twist at the end, but instead, the surprise that occurs is rather jarring in a different way- it makes sense. And it feels right. Sad. But right. Everything fits and whatever loose ends might theoretically exist (though I really don't think there are any) are so well hidden you become convinced that it all makes perfect sense. Most importantly is the lack of literal explanation for how the time travel itself works- Bruce and Jeff brush such discussion aside for the sake of the audience which would easily get bored. And along with this lack of explanation comes the unexpected side effects of the changes that Bruce causes, the odd quirks that most other time travel movies and stories ignore for the sake of a larger plot. Time travel tends to become oddly secondary in other science fiction films, mostly because writers fear that they'll get bogged down in the details and because the public just isn't interested in such things. By making the entire film about the time travel but on a small (or large, depending on how you look at it) scale we all can connect better to what's going on.

There's also a surprising lack of dialogue in many scenes. Everything seems visual. Even the occasional voice over feels natural and not intrusive on the film. There's a scene towards the middle of the film with Bruce (you'll probably know it when you see it) that from a story-telling perspective could have been utterly devoid of dramatic meaning within the context of the plot but which serves perfectly to define the singular reason and motivation for most of Bruce's actions. The scene is wonderfully acted and has not a single line of dialogue. These are the moments I love in films like this, largely unnecessary, but totally required to get people invested and connected.

This movie is raw and fun and thrilling and intellectually stimulating (but not in an artsy fartsy way).

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

So I Saw The Master Yesterday...Yeah...



I think this is the first film I equally love and hate at the same time. I completely understand where people from both sides come from when analyzing this movie on a purely story-based level. Stylistically the film is flawless and a complete masterpiece of literal movie-making. I'll discuss the theoretically problematic story elements in a bit, but first I'd rather praise the production of the film itself.

On the big screen it looks fantastic, but in mostly unexpected ways. Anderson shot the film on 65 mm and it's being shown on some screens in an even larger and more detailed 70 mm. This is the first 65 mm film since Kenneth Branagh's lush and grand production of the fully-adapted Hamlet. I expected gargantuan scenes in the style of traditional and old-fashioned Technicolor epics of the 50's and 60's. Instead there's a surprising number of sequences shot in fairly closed off and intimate locations- fairly routine looking houses and the innards of a small cruise ship. But the cinematography works well in emphasizing one of the supposed primary themes of the film- larger than life concepts and ideas being conveyed, imagined, and manipulated by small-minded men. The entire film feels extraordinarily overly-intimate, many shots are cramped and filled with large numbers of people, but the puffiness and hot air that Dodd injects into his false sermons and speeches fill these close quarters, making many scenes feel oddly tense and fever-pitched. Ultimately, however, as the story carries on and Freddie makes the all too obvious realization that Dodd is a complete manipulator one recognizes the utter emptiness of everyone's surroundings. The rooms and even outdoor locations, though physically large and imposing, are really devoid of the grandeur and massiveness that was initially expected by the audience and some of the main characters.

The acting is stupendous and fairly overwhelming at times. A scene towards the middle of the film features both Dodd and Freddie basically just shouting slurs at each other, in a lesser movie, this sequence would have come across as excessive and only there to bolster the ACTING of one of the leads, (Daniel Day Lewis was a little guilty of this in There Will Be Blood once or twice I felt), but both Phoenix and Hoffman inject the simplistic writing (I mean they are just swearing at each other) with a such a strange and hypnotic fury that it is utterly terrifying and wonderfully compelling. It's one of the few times I've actually, literally felt anger coming off the screen. There are too many moments to count of Phoenix creating such unique movements and gestures and facial contortions that exaggerate perfectly the near insanity and inhumanity of Freddie and though Hoffman always excels at creating such disturbingly disgusting and unctuous men filled with pompous self-importance, this time he creates an incredibly quiet and subtle undercurrent of fear and poignant unintelligence that Dodd most certainly has (his last scene, where he sings to Freddie, is so perfectly odd and sad and angry...). And finally dear, sweet Amy Adams. What has Anderson done to you? I've only ever really seen her in fairly routine and innocent roles of still relatively strong and independent women (Sister James in Doubt). This time she is kind of horrifying in a Kathy Bates in Misery kind of way. She doesn't do much in terms of action, but at times she exudes such a sense of dread and fear in the audience that even I, strong-willed as I am, had to turn from the screen for just a second to gather my senses. It's such an unexpected role for her to take, and I commend her for it. She matches Hoffman no less in terms of gross and inexplicable disgust. Finally, Rami Malek, the ridiculously creepy but not overly so, actor of The Pacific and other less reputable films (cough-Twilight-cough), for me, proves his legitimate acting chops in a small, but very unsettling role. He's got a definite Christopher Walken vibe to his performances and I think he's someone to watch.

The score by Jonny Greenwood is equal to his for There Will Be Blood and at times has the same semi-problem that Blood had- it gets overused. But this time I'm willing to argue in favor of its near absurd bombast and quirky sound effects filled tunes. In the same style of the cinematography, the music is so overwhelming at times that it essentially rules, and in some ways ruins completely, the drama of a scene, but, like the cinematography, this is usually to the benefit of the pompousness of Dodd and The Cause. It frequently contrasts sharply with the image on screen, but does so on purpose, I think, once again it is conveying the notion of surface-level enormity; enormity that really has an empty core. There is also the Kubrick touch of including quiet and pretty, but also disconcerting, period songs.

I don't usually notice editing techniques all that often. That's not to say they're not important, they do, after all, make or break a film, often quite literally. But I do tend to immerse myself so much in the story of a movie that I can ignore the other necessary components of that film. Also, if editing is done right, it tends to not strictly draw attention to itself, it becomes such a fluidic part of the movie that the majority of people will overlook it. This is why I usually don't like the hyper fast editing techniques of the Bourne movies or Michael Bay, it's almost always there in those instances to draw attention to itself. This movie, especially in the first twenty minutes or so, is edited in such a unique manner that it does technically draw attention to itself, but not necessarily in an overt manner, and this time the sped up style emphasizes the immediacy of the action. Freddie can't stay still before meeting Dodd and so neither can the film. He lingers only very briefly over one idea or location or job before he restlessly decides to move on elsewhere, searching for meaning and someone to give him much needed guidance.

Now...

What in the hell was it all about?

I honestly don't know.

But I'm comfortable with that. Completely.

Up until yesterday I had never seen a true Kubrick film on the big screen. I'm excluding AI b/c it's only kind of a Kubrick film. After seeing The Master, I felt like I had just seen Barry Lyndon or Eyes Wide Shut. The meaning of the film is almost completely irrelevant, or at the very least, it exists, but is so well buried under subtext and mis-direction that it seems invisible.

As with any Kubrick film, I feel as though this movie is completely unaffected by the multitude of different interpretations that can be culled from it by various audience members. It can essentially be whatever you want it to be despite there being solidified images and characters and events. Kubrick films, for me, operate on the level of literally gazing through the looking glass- there's the strange distorted images that may or may not be real, but there's also, and more importantly, I feel, a slight reflection of the self. The thing I love about Kubrick especially is that he appreciated that film itself is ultimately a completely person and self-centered art-form and concept. It's all about what I think and feel, everyone else's opinions and ideas exist with mine but they aren't precisely mine and often they are the opposite of mine. I think The Master is filled with meaning on the level of simple subject matter- that of cults and religion, but also in terms of character and humanity- how misled people often find themselves in each other's company despite how they are often complete opposites. Dodd and Freddie essentially seek one another in the story and they do so frequently. Dodd and Freddie also need one another despite the utter loathing they have for one another (and that hate exists for a variety of reasons). That's what I think of The Master, at least in a very general way. Now, someone else can completely disagree with me- they might think it is only about cults and religion and that the characters are archetypal figures that exist only at the whim of the story itself, or someone else, and I know this applies to many people right now, may think the entire film is a dull exercise in overly simplistic themes that are hammered home again and again without rhyme, reason, purpose, or genuine original style, that  the whole movie is an endless ego-filled trip for the now pretentious Anderson. This is the movie that quintessentially defines the concept of how different pieces of art can be interpreted by different people in different ways and on different levels.

I said I both love and hate the movie. This is essentially true. I love all of the concepts and ideas and characters and dialogue that Anderson creates in this film. But in terms of likable quality, the movie is almost utterly repugnant. There are no real redeeming factors for any of the characters. They are hideously unlikable people and are very difficult to connect to on an emotional level. This movie is, in effect, a complete train wreck of character moments and feelings- everyone feels near inhuman. But none of this contempt on my part makes me really hate the film, in fact this occurrence happens fairly frequently for me. The majority of the cynical movies I purport to love and adore and praise, are filled with characters like this. The primary difference, and the one that I feel essentially undermines the genuine emotional appeal of the movie, is that Anderson doesn't give his characters distinct context or moments to breathe. It's the same issue I take with A Clockwork Orange and There Will Be Blood, the leads are so hateful and revolting, it nearly destroys the connection one can have with them. They are compelling and interesting to watch in only a nihilistic and naturally fascinating manner. Ultimately they lack the human emotions that can make me comprehend why they are the way they are and why I should care. The cold emotional detachment worked better for Kubrick because he wasn't strictly caught up in understanding the characters of his movies. He was much more interested in putting them through the ringer, watching the results, or in basic story-level conflict. Think of Barry Lyndon again, is the main character all that interesting or likable? Not really. But the tone of the film is utterly satirical and focuses on depicting the literal and quirky life of Lyndon rather than on the dramatic movements and changes Lyndon goes through (or doesn't). The inherent weakness of Anderson's work with Blood and The Master is that he is instinctively more interested in character than story with these pieces whereas with Magnolia and Boogie Nights and to lesser degrees Punch Drunk Love and Hard Eight he was interested in structure and story, and when he examined character in all of those films, it was under a kinder and larger microscope that saw them within the context of more complicated plots. Anderson's knee jerk reaction is to go for the character drama in Blood and The Master, if he pulled back more and examined these lives in a different and larger framework it probably would've worked better. He is evolving and I'm glad he doesn't stay in one place for too long, but it is evident in both The Master and Blood that he's in a transitional period trying to find firmer footing.

Basically I saw The Master as an examination of two men, one completely misguided and lost in his life, the other with a stronger grasp of reality also lost, but he with the more human reaction attempts to grasp for meaning for something that will unify and bring people to him. He is sad and lonely and seeks someone to work for him. Neither man would ever outwardly admit these weaknesses. Dodd set out at some point in the past to find fellow misguided people who could flock to him in his efforts to find a common goal for humanity in general. But Dodd is, I think, an unintelligent fool, he may have some limited book smarts and knows people as a car salesman might, but his intentions are self-centered and he's corrupt with the power that he has developed over his wife and children and followers. He doesn't buy for a second the crap that he sells, but he sells it well, he speaks eloquently, but when taken apart, as with his sequel book, his words are meaningless and confused and contradictory. When Freddie comes upon him he sees a chance to convert another fool to his way of thinking, but Freddie is, ironically, an incredibly perceptive man, but one who is constantly undermined by his vices and weaknesses of imbibing grotesque spirits. He believes he knows what he wants and though he eventually more or less convinces himself to follow Dodd and his teachings, there are extraordinary doubts, questions that burst out in bouts of extreme violence against the men who foreshadow and remind him of Dodd. But the extremely intimate relationship that both Dodd and Freddie share (is it a gay love? a platonic appreciation of attitudes and actions?) is what leads them both to their constant clashes and Dodd's eventual betrayal of Freddie. And it is Dodd that essentially betrays Freddie when the latter finally recognizes the former's lies and manipulations with The Cause, he begins to loathe that a man who said he could help him turns out to be little more than a fearful nobody like the married Dodd-lookalike from the early scene at Freddie's photography section at the department store. Though Freddie is lost and frequently unwilling to be put under physical restraint (think of the jail cell scene or the implications of Freddie's insistence that the wall is just a wall and the window is just a window when Dodd and his cohorts begin inducting him into The Cause) he also knows the basics of what he wants and what he doesn't want- he does have a central moral compass despite the many limitations he puts on it with his vices.

Freddie's involvement with Dodd and The Cause are necessary events for his growth as a human being. He personally recognizes that he can move on from his past life (whatever it was- it's implied that he was probably a brutal monster with the Japanese during the war) in a literal sense. There's a true irony when he realizes how late he is in meeting up with Doris after all these years of apprehension and waiting. And when the path he wants to go down is sadly closed off by those ironic circumstances, Freddie tries to return to the one man who gave him a sense of guidance. Except Dodd essentially refuses Freddie and turns him away (along with some creepily delivered lines from Amy Adams) for 'betraying' The Cause. Dodd is willing to present an 'ultimatum' to Freddie (it can be read that this is Dodd's desperate attempt to latch onto and remain with the one man who might be able to understand and connect naturally with him and his lost ways), but Freddie refuses. He returns to life in the outside world and his old ways of boozing it up and making it with the ladies, and although it is kept enormously vague and ambiguous as to whether or not he has fundamentally changed in attitude and outlook and is merely recognizing that the life he leads is an adequate but imperfect one for him, I personally find there to be a happy twist that whereas before Freddie laid down with the naked sand-lady and fucked her as a natural human function, only this time he is content to have sex with an actual woman beforehand and then just lie down with the sand-lady and, most importantly, smile.

PS: The scientology connections are next to non-existent and pretty irrelevant to the overall story.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Shaken, Not Stirred...My Favorite Bond Movies In Order

Again, pretty self-explanatory, a little commentary on each, in order from least to greatest.

22. Moonraker (As they said on Buffy, "The gondola turns into a hovercraft? Retarded!" This movie took things too far even by Bond standards. It's one thing to have the weapon of mass destruction for the villain to be in space, but to have the final battle take place there? Yeah, no...)



21. Diamonds Are Forever (Connery's Bond just doesn't translate to the 70's. At all. Also the henchmen are absurdly homophobic caricatures even by those day's standards of camp sissiness.)



20. Octopussy (The tone of this movie is just ALL over the place. It's completely devoid of any emotion or interesting action scenes or romantic intrigue.)



19. On Her Majesty's Secret Service (I like the injection of genuine romantic drama, but the style and colors are garish even by the standards of the 60's.)



18. The Living Daylights (Dalton is a little too serious and straight in his first outing, the political intrigue gets kind of heavy handed, and the plot is oddly over complicated for a Bond movie.)



17. A View To A Kill (The scene of Walken slaughtering a bunch of innocent men is really awkward and distasteful for a Bond movie and oddly affects the entire tone of the movie. It's nice when May Day turns good at the end though, and I really love Grace Jones' performance. Also Moore's face basically turned into rubbery leather.)



16. The Man With the Golden Gun (This movie is really really long. And the ending is devoid of any stakes because it takes place on Scaramanga's mostly empty island.)



15. Licence To Kill (The Dalton Drama feels more real this time. And the shot of the 18-wheeler truck going up on one side is a neat homage to Diamonds Are Forever and is still one of the coolest stunts I've ever seen on screen.)



14. GoldenEye (This movie is hyper-sexualized to the nth degree for no real reason except to titillate the moviegoers. The political is way overplayed for a Bond movie. Famke Janssen is ridiculously good though as the Grace Jones type henchman. The romantic stuff is nicely updated in terms of the strong female role instead of the usual dumb bimbo Bond girl, but ultimately her character has little to do in terms of the story. The music (the score, not the Tina Turner theme) is really awful and dated.)



13. Quantum of Solace (A gigantic letdown after Casino Royale, but I don't really hold it up to those standards because of the kind of movie it's trying to be. The main problem is its attempts at emulating the Bourne style of action and editing, a style I already have problems with. Ultimately the plot is kind of interesting and at least different, though the stakes are REALLY LOW. The action can be cool and the attempts at drama for Bond's character after losing Vesper are compelling thanks to Craig's and Dench's performances.)



12. The World Is Not Enough (Pretty subversive ending in retrospect- making the initial Bond girl into the real villain and sub-planting the expected bad guy into a large henchman role. The involvement with M is nice and doesn't dismiss her as another exposition-spewer as usual.)



11. Die Another Day (Kind of divisive in terms of Bond movies. It's big and bold and brash and a bit boring. But ultimately the bombast outweighs the weak narrative and the side characters all give nice and fun performances. It's like an 80's Moore Bond movie made today. Really stupid, but fun and kind of a guilty pleasure.)



10. For Your Eyes Only (A gorgeous Bond girl. Some of the best location shooting in a Bond movie. And some really neat and original action scenes. The plot is a little confusing, but ultimately solid fun.)



9. The Spy Who Loved Me (The quintessential Moore Bond movie. Over the top production. Too much camp 'comedy'. But a supreme sense of fun and silliness that balance out the surprisingly well done melodramatic romance for the usually dramatically dull Moore.)



8. Thunderball (Too much of a muchness for a Connery Bond movie. The bombast gets a little excessive. But because it's a 60's Bond movie, the experimenting continues with tone and style. It's different from the previous entries which is good. The underwater fights are still really impressive for the time and the locations are incredible.)



7. Live and Let Die (The best of the Moore Bond movies. The action scenes are incredible. The music is awesome. And Jane Seymour is gorgeous. Moore is actually kind of charming instead of smug and gross and...old. Yes there's an abundance of relative racism, but this was at the height of Blaxploitation movies, so as usual the Bond producers are going with the flow of what's popular regardless of tastelessness.)



6. You Only Live Twice (The action and gadgets overwhelm which is kind of the strength of this otherwise dull Bond movie which is filled with unintentional racism when Connery goes Japanese partway through. The bits with both Aki and Kissy are dramatically well done thanks to the performances of the usually solid Japanese actors.)



5. Dr. No (Just a complete classic. It definitely has its rough edges with style and tone. But it holds up really well and is fantastically paced, except the end which kind of drags when Dr. No actually shows up to exposit information. So many iconic moments make this a joy to watch.)



4. From Russia With Love (A fantastic story. An incredible Bond girl (though in retrospect she's given next to nothing to do in terms of story). Excellent locations. And one of the best fights ever depicted on screen with Bond facing off against Grant. This one cements the style and tone of Bond even more than Dr. No but also has a story that's much more classically spy-oriented in the Le Carre style of plots and characters.)



3. Goldfinger (The best of the classic Bond movies. It's got everything. EVERYTHING. The Girl. The Villain. The Henchman. The Car. The Gadgets. The Action. The Song. The Story. The Fun. It establishes all that's great about Bond films.)



2. Tomorrow Never Dies (This is the first Bond movie I ever saw on the big screen. It was an incredible experience. This is my personal favorite Bond movie in the same way Star Trek Generations is my favorite Trek movie. There's no real good reason aside from how it still makes me feel in terms of having fun and experiencing movies as just escapist entertainment and nothing else. I love the modern villain. I love Michelle Yeoh as the Best and Most Bad Ass Bond Girl ever. EVER. She holds her own to James and they fall for each other instead of him wooing her. The action is still incredible to me. Just so much love and respect for this retro-styled and fun-filled Bond flick in an era where the Bond movies tended to take themselves a bit too seriously.)



1. Casino Royale (A perfect film in every sense of the word. It's actually dramatic, there's a character arc for Bond. I repeat- A CHARACTER ARC FOR JAMES FUCKING BOND. The acting is incredible. The production is pristine. The action scenes are original and exciting (the free running sequence still amazes me). And the ending is unexpected and so subversive to what we expect from a Bond movie. It just gets everything right on every level for me.)


Mr. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang...My Favorite James Bond Songs In Order


So with the announcement of Adele doing the song for the new James Bond movie, Skyfall, I figured it'd be a good time to look at the Bond songs that already exist and order them from least favorite to the BEST.

Once again, because I'm being kind of lazy with these current posts, I'm just putting the names down and not much else. If they're truly awful or truly awesome maybe I'll say something...

22. Licence To Kill by Gladys Knight (It just goes on and on, the most boring Bond song)



21. All Time High by Rita Coolidge (Absolutely devoid of anything interesting)



20. The Living Daylights by a-ha



19. Moonraker by Shirley Bassey (Bassey's voice got really dull and dated)



18. Diamonds Are Forever by Shirley Bassey (See Moonraker above)



17. On Her Majesty's Secret Service by John Barry (Fun, but the lack of lyrics makes it a bit dull)



16. GoldenEye by Tina Turner (Well-sung, but the lyrics are kind of overwrought, I don't care for U2)



15. Another Way To Die by Jack White & Alicia Keyes (Nice combo)



14. Die Another Day by Madonna (Gotta love Madonna no matter what)



13. Thunderball by Tom Jones (Awesomely sung, but oddly simplistic in lyrics and tone)



12. From Russia With Love by Matt Monro (Well matched w/ the romance of the title)



11. Nobody Does It Better by Carly Simon (Good romantic vibes)



10. For Your Eyes Only by Sheena Easton (Well sung, clashes a little with the tone of the movie)



9. Dr. No (The James Bond Theme) by John Barry (Classic, but it's a rough version)



8. You Only Live Twice by Nancy Sinatra (Romantic with just the right tones of coolness)



7. You Know My Name by Chris Cornell (Blasts off the best Bond movie w/ an upbeat rock vibe)



6. Tomorrow Never Dies by Sheryl Crow/Surrender by k.d. lang (Wish they had gone w/ lang's...but both are still cool and match the tone of the movie in different ways)





5. Goldfinger by Shirley Bassey (Absolutely classic bombast and coolness)



4. The Man With the Golden Gun by Lulu (Underrated spunkiness and bombast)



3. A View To A Kill by Duran Duran (The 80's had awesome music, if only the hair were better...)



2. Live & Let Die by Paul McCartney & Wings (The most kick-ass rhythm tone)



1. The World Is Not Enough by Garbage (Garbage is my favorite band, that's why...also this movie introduced me to them, so I owe it something I feel)



Just Because It's Super Easy...My Top Five Books

Not much I need to say here, they are what they are...

5. Jude by Kate Morgenroth



4. Dancing Naked by Robert Hodgson Van Wagoner



3. Black Rabbit Summer by Kevin Brooks



2. Lucas by Kevin Brooks



1. A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens


Thursday, September 13, 2012

The Top Guys I Love Because...I Do...And This Blog Is All About Me...So It Doesn't Really Matter What the Majority Thinks In The Long Run, Does It?

They're just mostly consistently great on multiple levels...

I'm not gonna go into detail about why I love them all because we'd be here too long but also because I'll inevitably discuss at least one if not several of their awesome films.

All movies I specifically love (even if they're not super great) are listed as well. For Kubrick, they're in increasing order of greatness b/c they're all awesome.

10. The Hughes Brothers (Menace II Society, From Hell, The Book of Eli)



9. Bong Joon-ho (Barking Dogs Never Bite, Memories of Murder, The Host, Mother)



8. Park Chan-wook (Joint Security Area, Sympathy For Mr. Vengeance, Oldboy, Three... Extremes- Cut, Lady Vengeance)



7. Christopher Nolan (Insomnia, Batman Begins, The Prestige, The Dark Knight, Inception, The Dark Knight Rises)



6. Quentin Tarantino (Pulp Fiction, Jackie Brown, Kill Bill, Death Proof, Inglourious Basterds)



5. Louis Malle (Zazie dans le Metro, Calcutta, Phantom India, Murmur of the Heart, Lacombe Lucien, Pretty Baby, Atlantic City, My Dinner With Andre, God's Country, ... And the Pursuit of Happiness, Au Revoir Les Enfants, Vanya On 42nd Street)



4. Paul Thomas Anderson (Hard Eight, Boogie Nights, Magnolia, Punch-Drunk Love, There Will Be Blood)



3. Sergio Leone (A Fistful of Dollars, For A Few Dollars More; The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly; Once Upon A Time In the West; Duck, You Sucker!; Once Upon A Time In America)



2. Dario Argento (The Bird With the Crystal Plumage, The Cat O'Nine Tails, Four Flies On Grey Velvet, Deep Red, Suspiria, Inferno, Tenebre, Phenomena, Opera)



1. Stanley Kubrick (Killer's Kiss, Spartacus, Lolita, Paths of Glory, The Killing, A Clockwork Orange, Full Metal Jacket, Eyes Wide Shut, The Shining; Dr. Strangelove, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying & Love the Bomb; Barry Lyndon, 2001: A Space Odyssey)


Those Guys Who Everyone Just Inexplicably Loves or Raves About

Yeah, I just don't like these directors...


The Coen Brothers (They're not funny or clever or amusing. They're just...well, no word can describe them which is usually a good sign of originality...but for them, they're just devoid of meaning all-together.)



Lars Von Trier (Wow, what a hateful and easy to hate guy.)



Wes Anderson (Cloying and obnoxious. Enough said.)



Terrence Malick (His movies are static pretty images and not much else. Unless you want to include THE ENDLESS, ENDLESS LINES OF NARRATION THAT SUPPOSEDLY EQUAL IMPORTANT PHILOSOPHICAL IDEAS THAT HE WANTS TO CONVEY IN A REALLY LOUD AND OBVIOUS MANNER)



Danny Boyle (He's like a gnome. Without style or substance.)


Tuesday, September 4, 2012

The Beginning of the Random and Easily Put Together Blog Posts (To Announce My Return...Again...I Hope For Real This Time): The Worst Movies/TV Shows I've Ever Seen

This first part is just a loose list in no particular order-

Love Story (One of the most poorly written films I've ever had the misfortune of seeing. The acting is adequate I suppose given the script and overall the movie is re-watchable for laughing and cringing worthiness.)



The Ladykillers (Coen Brothers' Remake) (I hate the Coen Brothers almost on principle, but they pushed my limits to the extreme by revamping a charmingly dark old comedy that in no way, shape, or form needed to be redone. Tom Hanks' obnoxious mugging craps all over Alec Guinness' classic performance in the original film.)



Lost (A show that had shit-tons of promise and had a decent first season or two went down the crapper as its writers pissed away more and more potential by over-complicating the already needlessly overdone plots and subplots. They claim everything that happened over the course of the series had been planned way beforehand, but I really don't buy that for a minute. Look to Battlestar Galactica for a show that made good use of complex characters and a labyrinthine plot that actually fits together.)



Antichrist (I loathe Lars Von Trier fervently. And this sorry excuse for a so-called art-house horror film is really just a torture porn flick done up all pretty with several thousand moronic symbols and metaphors and with nowhere to go by the end of the film.)



Pearl Harbor (Michael Bay isn't James Cameron, but that's only the second problem with this film. It wants to be Titanic. Really really badly. But the main issue is that what makes Titanic at least enjoyable in a melodramatic, cinematic event kind of way is that it combines a relatively well-done romance with a tragic and well-staged historical event. Pearl Harbor is one hour of story and relationship set up, then another solid hour of ceaseless action, and a third hour of the tragic ending. It doesn't flow naturally. The romance takes a backstage during the battle scenes and so we stop caring about what's happening. Yes, the action is well-done, but there's way too much of it and there are awkwardly done moments that feel like nothing but exploitative bits of random real people being killed in the attack. There's an uncomfortable feeling to seeing extras pretending to be individuals from an historical event who then die without any set up in the story. Who was that man that was just burned alive in that explosion? I don't know, some poor guy who was probably just a name in a history book listing all of the people who died at Pearl Harbor. The tone of the action scenes are the same as any other Michael Bay movie- a bunch of random things and people being destroyed and not much else. Is this supposed to be...entertaining? Because it's not. It's really not. Oh, also the romantic parts of the script are really really awfully written. Like Love Story awful.



William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet (Um, why is it modern? What is it actually saying about contemporary culture? Romeo and Juliet isn't about the gangs/families, it's about the romance set within the framework of an ironic situation. The gangs/families are the backdrop that form one element, one theme of the entire story. That's not enough to justify the update of the story. Julie Taymor's Titus is about violence and so she comments upon that by having this gigantic clash of violent historical events and current cultural norms that depict violence in a positive light. Titus the play is about violence as well, it is its primary subject and theme, the story is more or less irrelevant. Understand the work you're adapting before you make the actual film.)



Dogville (Von Trier again. This time he's being anti-American. Because...America sucks? I guess? I really have no idea, it's three hours on a stage with SYMBOLISM GALORE. Yeah, he's kind of an annoying dick.)



Fantastic Mr. Fox (I hate Wes Anderson too. I especially hate him for making a Roald Dahl story into a pop-culture reference spewing, daddy issue movie. "But it has such quirky animation." It's original because Wes Anderson is...quirky. Gag me.)



Eragon (Words cannot describe how incompetent this movie is. So I won't use words to describe how incompetent this movie is.)



The Spirit (This is probably one of the most confusing movies I've ever seen. More so because it has no idea what tone to take. Is it...funny? Gross? Exciting? Also, I almost never comment on the costume designs of films mainly b/c I have yet to really come across something that seemed so radically wrong in terms of what a character is wearing, but goddamn this movie comes close to having the most moronically overdone and bizarre costumes I've ever seen.)



No Country For Old Men (There are three good things about this movie. And they are sitting on the poster, right down there- Tommy Lee Jones, Javier Bardem, and Josh Brolin. That's it. Everything else about this film is so overwrought and so...boring, for lack of a better word. It just aimlessly floats about having things happen pretty much at random. Shouldn't crime films be in some way, how do I put this, NOT COMA INDUCING? It's fine if you wanna be serious, but good lord, this movie is vague about everything. I don't know what's happening to who or why and I don't care. Also- talking about dreams don't make your movies any more cerebral or meaningful.)



Glee (Ew.)



And from here on out it's the countdown (they just keep getting worse as you go on in my opinion)-

The Bottom Eleven-

11. Passchendaele (It's the Canadian attempt at Saving Private Ryan. Enough said.)



10. Mambo Italiano (Gay + Italian = Wacky Hijinks according to this movie.)



9. Black Moon (Louis Malle is not an experimental filmmaker. And here's the proof why.)



8. Kick-Ass (Hit-Girl is the most offensive character in a movie I've ever seen. And not strictly because of what she says or actions she takes, but pretty much simply by virtue of existing in the manner in which she does.)



7. Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare (Johnny Depp's cameo is the one saving grace.)



6. Halloween: Resurrection (Trick or treat, mother fucker, indeed, Mr. Rhymes.)



5. Get Your Stuff (I cannot decipher on any level what this title has to do with the plot of the film. If I, of all people, cannot begin to understand why your film is called what it is, especially when it's a gay indie romantic comedy, it doesn't bode well for the rest of your movie.)



4. Battle: Los Angeles (This makes Transformers: Dark of the Moon look like a low-key dramatic character study by comparison. I mean NO ONE is human in this. They're just soldiers. Who fight aliens. And fight. And fight. And fight. Until the movie just kind of stops. And that's it.)



3. Raising Arizona (It's loud. It's obnoxious. It's idiotic beyond belief. It's Nicolas Cage in a Coen Brothers' film.)



2. Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed (Pretty much breaks every single rule of documentary filmmaking. And I do mean- EVERY. SINGLE. RULE. How hard is it to film reality? Please explain this to me in detail, Ben Stein, and do so in your monotonous droning voice that was mildly amusing for about five seconds.)



1. Cruising (A well-made, well-directed, well-acted piece of extraordinarily grotesque and disturbing homophobia that pretty much defined several decades worth of hate and brutality against gays in the span of about two hours. I have never felt so much visceral and violent vitriol towards one video. Alliteration, our word of the day! But yeah, the ONLY other time I've felt nauseous during a movie was when I saw Cloverfield in theaters. So, congratulations, Cruising, you successfully made me feel ill by virtue of your story alone. That's a first for me!)